And Now for Something Completely Different

My restless tendencies are accellerating. Normally I have 2-3 years in a single location or relationship before I start craving change – I’ve been here 3 months and am already feeling dissatisfied.

I can do what I always do in this situation: burn it down and move on to something novel, seek fulfillment in the adventure of the unknown. But I have a strong suspicion it will only deepen my discontent – especially considering I’m still standing in the embers of my last wildfire.

I’m coming to realize this is happening in a few areas of my life now – location, romance, even profession. I’ve been harboring expectations for two decades that happiness and fulfillment can be found in any (or all) of these, but after several rotations of each I’m becoming more burdened with each cycle. I keep burning them down in search of something better – and with each cycle, the effort is higher and the satisfaction is lesser. It’s no longer a lifestyle I want to sustain.

So it’s time for something different.

….That’s easy to say, but I don’t have a clear path forward. If there was an obvious answer, I hope I would have taken it a long time ago.

At the very least, I’m considering abadoning relationships. After seven long-term attempts, I have reasonable evidence to say that I can’t find fulfillment in them. Reasoning like “I just haven’t found the right person” or “I haven’t committed myself and tried hard enough” doesn’t apply after a couple decades of effort and therapy. It’s not an idea I’m rushing into, being fresh off the tail of failure #7 – emotions are fickle and take time to resolve. But the idea of never again sharing responsibility for another person’s happiness does make me smile.

Confronting my expectation to find fulfillment in another person’s companionship has some unexpected side effects, as well. Heartbreak that I’ve been carrying since my first love has begun to soften, for the first time in my life. I’ve been subconsciously fixated on trying to replace what was taken from me back then – not to have her back, but to have the feeling back – and seeking that fulfillment in other people. To be that in love again. Now that I’m choosing to graduate from my need for fulfillment in other people, I’m less and less fixated on getting back the feeling I lost, because it’s replacing something I no longer need. I’m not there yet, but I can actually conceive of making peace with the whole situation, and I want that. It feels so much better and lighter than carrying the scar.

Now, I know where this leads. I envision any given person in my life smirking at me and dishing that old cliché “only once you stop looking, the right person shows up”. I hereby give a big fat FUCK THAT right back. I can accept that I may be wrong, and I’m just emerging into a mindset that *does* let me find fulfillment with someone. Nothing is certain. But right now, I cannot envision any kind of life involving another person that makes me happy, or does anything but drain me. Even the most ideal, beautiful, radiant soul falling in my arms wouldn’t be happiness – how could anyone devote themselves to uplifting another person and ask nothing in return? Because that’s what I would look for at this point. Even if I found someone willing, I wouldn’t be loving or respecting that person. I’d be draining them like a parasite. I may yet be proven wrong – but at this point I don’t think there’s anything left in romance for me, and that’s what I’m acting on.

While my feelings on relationships are percolating and resolving, there are still the matters of location and profession to figure out. The burn cycle is no longer enough to satisfy me there either – but hopefully these will be easier to figure out.

In terms of location, I’ve been more privileged than most. I’ve lived in several states, and even two other countries. I’ve lived in the city and the countryside, islands and mountains, deserts and forests. There are definitely settings I like more than others, and it might be time to gravitate to them for good. It always comes down to big forests – privacy and space from people, varied terrain (i.e. not deserts or plains), and a spirit / presence that just isn’t found in any other environment. Much like relationships, I’ve tried for many years to overcome and grow into things that I don’t like. I can tolerate cities and empty, gaping landscapes much better than I used to, and I don’t get my hackles up in crowds nearly as much anymore, but there’s only one place I really thrive. One kind of evironment that stills me when I look out the window, instead of pressuring me. Living on a plot of forested land, with no shared walls and outside the radius of any neighboring inconsideration, seems pretty achievable. Even if I have to move to Canada to do it. Being fully mobile seems pretty attractive too though, and allows for some variety in scenery… things to consider once I’ve got buffer for a next step. Maybe both.

Lastly, profession. I’ve been a programmer for 15 years, and while lucrative, I find no fulfillment in it anymore. I’ve milked ambition past the point of needs satisfaction into flirting with greed – anything above my current position only has the promise of more money and more toil, even more frantic racing to stay on the peak of platform mastery.

I think I would really like to switch to something that allows for more classic mastery – something artistic. Writing, woodworking, and other crafts are all topics of finite mastery; the building blocks of the craft don’t really change or expand, and once you master them everything afterward is just expression. Developing your own style and finding new and creative applications. Nobody is releasing wood v8.0 to make the material semi-viscous, which forces you to craft an update for all the furniture you sold.

Writing especially seems compatible with the kind of lifestyle I want to live. I can take it anywhere with me (much less internet-dependent than code to be sure), and unless I’m working for a regular publication there isn’t any daytrading on my hours. I have a deadline for a draft in a few months, and it’s up to me to figure out when and how to meet it. Writing sounds really nice, and I’ve always enjoyed it.

I do also want to rise above single-stream income though, so maybe code will still have a place. A couple smaller websites generating passive income would be pretty killer – I have no interest in making million-dollar apps and leading an office, but having passive income reach a point where I can hire someone to maintain things and manage support does sound nice.

At least there are a few options to consider there. It’s going to be a few years until I can pay off debt and be in a position for serious action, so nothing needs to happen today.

As a recap for myself – no relationships, moving to the woods (possibly living mobile), and taking on a creative career with some passive income on the side. All those things sound nice…. but will they fulfill me? Living on my own, working / writing, and enjoying my property and privacy and quiet evenings…. for the next 2/3 of my life. I may not be satisfied with that.

Part of what’s missing from this picture is my other passions. If I had a plot of land, I would absolutely be transforming it towards the fantastical – Myst island, Rito village, and Rivendell all in my backyard. Secret doors leading to secret offices, and every room filled with color and sentiment. A house that I bond with, instead of just inhabiting.

I would also be spending time developing myself – particularly learning languages and practicing martial arts, but also cooking and studying anything that interests me.

I love all these things, and I want them – but I don’t know what they mean for my fulfillment. Come to think of it, I don’t even know how to define fulfillment. I suppose I imagine it as equilibrium – harmony between my interior and exterior. My needs and desires and expectations are fully met, and set in a way that they don’t grow and consume. My environment lacks nothing, but doesn’t foster excess. But “perfection” also seems like it means stasis and stagnation. I’m not going to be the same person for the next 60 years, I can’t expect to thrive in a static environment.

For now, it seems worthwhile pursuing the meaning of fulfillment – I clearly don’t have a good grasp on it. What’s that Hermetic saying? “As above so below, as within so without, as the universe so the soul”. I feel like that’s the right idea and I just have the wrong application.

I can accept that I don’t know how I’m going to achieve fulfillment, as long as I’m spending some time getting a graasp of what fulfillment means. That and the other ideas here seem likea good start toward something better.

Now I just need to endure a couple years until I can afford to make any of this happen.